“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
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me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Birds & Planes.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
what kind of cook setting is this??
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.