Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
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*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-