Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
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What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.