“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
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Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Why is everyone getting married at me
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.