Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
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FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.