I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
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*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Beware of the dog..
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.