Can I donate fat instead of blood?
You Might Also Like
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Don’t tell me what to do
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.