“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
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Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.