Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
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if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
“You want me to do what?!”🤣