6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
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“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?