“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
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alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.