“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
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priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors