Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
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My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.