“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
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Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
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If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME