“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
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How did people charge their phones before electricity?
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels