“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
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Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags