“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
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See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?