I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
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I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
when you鈥檙e a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Don鈥檛 mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I鈥檇 like you to recognize them individually.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I鈥檓 going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I鈥檇 focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
馃寭馃寧馃尀 <– lunar eclipse
馃寧馃寭馃尀 <– solar eclipse
馃寧馃尀馃寳 <– apocalypse
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
*limbos away from your hug*
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?