“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
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I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you