“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
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If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
I need to get some bricks…
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
So sick of all these stupid rules
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.