“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
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If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.