Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
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dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Delightful if true: booby trap.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want