Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
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Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I hope this email finds you in a well
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that