can I use a minion as a tampon
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ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Never forget.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Message from the dog groomers
Another interesting #factupdates post!
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
What an awful time to have common sense.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish