can I use a minion as a tampon
You Might Also Like
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
They’re on their honeymoon