Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
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me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
road rage
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid