You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
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[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
sugar glider wrangler
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.