@joeljeffrey: Can someone call me right now? I'm at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
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@Sarcasticsapien: Why can't we edit tweets? Because if we could I would edit a tweet with 2,000 retweets to say "RT if you hate puppies and babies."
@backporchlady: Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they're for here or to go.
@NewDadNotes: DHS: Do you known Anakin Skywalker? Darth Vader: Im An... DHS: he owes 22 years back child support for twins Darth Vader: I think he died
@robdelaney: If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say "Friend, you're wearing sweatpants." They might not know.