Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
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Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”