Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
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You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
i can’t wait that long
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?