Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
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A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Bread puns are on the rise!
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me