Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
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Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]