Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
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[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
March 16
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.