[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
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Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
reviewed some movies recently
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.