Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
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I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.