Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
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DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices