Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
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You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.