Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
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My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
My dog ate my work from home.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008