[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
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My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’