Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
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You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
This makes total sense…
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.