Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
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first date idea we go to marriage counseling
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Are kids ever okay at all?😂