Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
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I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Day 2 of my diet
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”