Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
You Might Also Like
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm