Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
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I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.