@KKAlThani: Can we speak to the Mayans and have the ending of the world earlier than planned? Preferably before the premier of the new Twilight movie.
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@xLiserx: My autocorrect just changed "I'm off" to "I'm DTF" and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
@BadJordon: [ER] HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler. DOC:… H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand. D: Rub kale on it.
@LaziestCanine: Cashier: find everything okay? Me: yes [comes back 5 hours later] Me: [through the tears] i lied, i've been trying to find Kony since 2012
@HeSlimedMeRay: My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk. We take our lazy seriously around here.