Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
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I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit