Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
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I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!