Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
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I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.