“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
You Might Also Like
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”