“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
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I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I need to get some bricks…
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
accurate
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
We need more people like this.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler