If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
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I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
“We will wed,” I threatened
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have